6 | Probably just PVS*ing

mm-probably-just-pvsing

Disclaimer: This is going to be one mother of a rant

I’ve been single for a while now, but I have noticed a new restlessness. I mean, I’ve been single. Now, I know this is not a good reason to not be single, but come on! How long does a girl need to wait? At some point, whether arranged marriage-route or otherwise, you start wondering if your person is ever going to show face. And I go through rollercoasters trying to figure out how much this actually bothers me – is it okay to remain single? Would it be the worst thing? No… But, Valentine’s Day is coming up fast.

Just saying.

Anyways, I recently wondered if I had been going about it all wrong – with the mediums I was using to find him, but also with Who I was expecting to find. I know I recently wrote about not lowering your expectations and what-what, and I agree with myself (lol) but can anyone tell me how far is actually reasonable to go in terms of mentally/emotionally moulding my ideal person? Do I stop at personality? Do I stop at no-go’s (things I am not willing to compromise on – what are these things that don’t budge with time – will they matter in twenty, thirty, forty years?)? Should I even venture into the Looks Department? (Should I stop doing those build-a-boyfriend-Buzzfeed-quizzes?) Is religion or him being a Malayalee or even Indian actually important? If they are Malayalee simply because they were born to Mallu parents and can’t speak a word of Malayalam or relate to the culture or Kerala, would that count against them (compared to, say, a non Mallu)? If you and your family aren’t particularly religious and neither is the bloke you are interested in, (why) does it still matter? What is true love, and does it exist… for everyone?

*Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath*

Sometimes, when I am swiping away on Tinder or Shaadi.com, or (mentally) in real life, I picture a mega virtual DJ Switchboard/mixer in front of me, where I’m balancing my criteria/expectations by pushing forward, for example, the height lever, while lowering the personality one. And I keep doing this until I am kind of okay with this person and they fit into my mould, albeit with a hypothetical jammed-in shoulder or foot, in order to fit. Yes, I know the equation: expectations minus reality equals happiness, but how practical is it in reality? Have you tried living without expectations? How bland. But, at the same time… all of this criteria? I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that half of it was not even created by you, even if you genuinely thought it was. Think about it. If you filter it honestly, how much really matters to you? For me, all that I expect of my partner is that which I expect of myself. Is that fair?  I am literally expecting a response here, people.

Personally, I imagine that you know you are really in love when you realise that no one else matters – not your parents, your siblings, your family, your friends. And I don’t know how healthy that is, but I know that that is what I believe True Love to be. I am obviously not saying that I want to love someone who destroys my relationships with all the people I already love and adore. I guess the definition was a little dramatic. What I meant was that I want someone I am so sure about that no one else’s opinion will matter, not that I want to elope and/or be estranged from my current life.

So… that escalated very quickly. But weirdly/ironically/questionably(?), even though I have a mould for the guys I choose to date, I don’t actually have a mould for this person that will happen to me, and with whom I will fall hopelessly in love.

I’m waiting, yo. MMx

*PreValentines Syndrome

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17 thoughts on “6 | Probably just PVS*ing

  1. YHO! Bro, I feel you. I also wonder about who I could have been ended up with if it weren’t for the criteria my parents instilled in me as a child. Would he be an Indian or would he be that hot Italian dude I met once on vacation? The thing is that strangely it does matter, but only for society. I know people who married exactly who they wanted, regardless of what Indian society wants and my whole life, I’ve watched them be judged and defended, judged and defended etc.

    I think the part of you that wants to please your parents/society will never fade. However, you just need to either take the risk or hold out until you meet a coconut like yourself. (As I did..) It is possible though. I feel like I managed to find someone that is balanced enough like I am to fit in well with my family and yet be like me and think see society and life as I see it too. But he will never understand my family’s way of thinking and honestly, that’s not the end of the world.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha mine weren’t as bad but they were ‘HAS to be Indian, Hindu, Brahman,’ And weirdly… He’s all those things! But I didn’t know that when I met him. When I met him I knew I liked him because in the space of 2 hours of secretly (not so secretly) watching him (don’t I sound creepy), I saw that he was kind, funny, respectful and smart.

        That’s what I think mattered the most. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Spoton!! Each and every thought tat u have mentioned here has gone thru my mind and still does all the tym to the point that it drives u crazy! As of now i m goin with the flow(whatever the hell tat means!) Nd let the right guy come to Me whenever he wants😂!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad to know that I am not the only one – but we might just be the only two haha Going with the flow sounds like a good plan. Google this verse: ‘Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8’ – you don’t need to be religious to appreciate it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ahh MM this wasn’t much of a rant 🙂 I have literally felt this many times in my life, and have even felt it now being fully Mallu married 😅.

    Watching Mallu movies of inter-religion marriages etc, my mom used to warn me that this was the problem of marrying for Love with a list of things my future husband should be of, which as a five year old I didn’t fully understand but subconsciously what I accepted. When i grew up, I realised ALL that doesn’t matter to me but a few of those things I saw importance in.

    That list of criteria, is only truly what society expects- it just makes things easier to enter into a relationship if you are from similar backgrounds. But a decade or two from now, none of that will really matter and society won’t be there to help you through the tough times of marriage when you have nothing to talk about to your 6 foot tall wheatish complexion Thoracic Surgeon husband who goes to Orthodox Church on Christmas day and secretly has a drinking problem, but he is from a good family so thats ok 😕. You have to see what is important to you, and to an extend what is important to your parents (excluding societal pressure on them) and if you meet someone who fits that but not up to society’s expectations, there will be challenges, countless of them, but through that, it will be worth it 😀 because at the end of the day, it’s just you two and not society 😀.

    I don’t think I have a soul mate /”the one” out there but I found someone who complements me in a way. He is not perfect nor am I, and I often wonder of what could have been if I hadnt watched this many Mallu movies as a child and instead went running off on a Euro trip to meet a dancing Hindu boy haha😛 but I remind myself of what was most important on my criteria, and that was to end up with a good hearted person. I didn’t fully stick to my mom’s criteria but I think I did with my own. You shouldnt have to compromise on what you genuinely want, ever.

    And being in relationship/getting married and all that, it’s another thing society expects. Do you really want it? Enough to accept things you wouldn’t have accepted five years ago? I know it would be nice over Valentines day, but you deserve someone who would get you flowers on a random Tuesday just because 😘 and I feel that will happen soon and you shouldn’t have to DJ-balance it out 😀 💙 Ummas

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Being raised in a mallu house hold where your told why love marriages are never good…that stays with you as you try to find the one. I have always said mallu’s are the most superficial people when it comes to finding that perfect daughter or son in-law (don’t get me wrong I am proud to be mallu)! But the criteria that is set out…I always ask my mum: does a smart, slim, fair, well-educated girl ensure you will have a daughter in-law who will fit in with your family and their values. She can tick all those boxes but be B**** from hell to the entire family!! So when it comes to your “list” place importance on the person’s qualities rather than superficial qualities that just look good on paper or your wedding photo or that just make your family happy!
    I have been single for a few years too now…. and when Valentine’s Day approaches, I too ask the same question when will my Mr right come along. As I the years have gone by I have realised I would much rather wait for the guy who will make every day fell like its valentine’s day then just be with someone for the sake of not being alone.
    When it comes to finding the ONE- Remember you are the one getting married, all this fuss and judgment from family/society is only until you get married after which you have to live your life with this person with no one’s help. So don’t settle just because you think it’s taking too long or you just want to make your parents happy, reduce their burden of worrying about you (I have thought about just saying yes to a guy to just to be over this searching phase of my life- to make everyone happy). If you’re unhappy in your marriage one day you can’t blame your parents/family, it was your choice. Family regardless of all their criteria and judgements in the end all they want is for you to be happy. So if you meet someone who you can see a life with, raising a family with but doesn’t meet all criteria set out by family then stand up and say “this is what I want” and your family will stand by you and support you (sometimes it might take a while, but that’s a risk you must take if this guy is all you had hoped for). Like my brother always tells me “you can’t make everyone happy (by this he means that huge extended family every mallu has ha-ha), so make the decision and be ready to deal with the consequences. As long as you are happy with your life because you are the one you has to live it”. So rather wait and pray for your future husband. Then when the time is right all will fall into place. Until then we all just have to go with the flow and chat/meet a few pottens along the way (probs showing us what we don’t want LOL)! Ok now this was a rant of note….

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Patience, my dear! The thrill is in the wait, frustrating at times, but trust me when I say the wait will be worth it! When you meet ‘the him’ the one thing you can be sure of is things just click into place without raising or having to down your bar of expectations. Future into marriage is another story, but lets rest that for now!
    I was also born in Kerala, brought up some place else with strong Mallu brand installed (all thanks to my mother) and now living in yet another place, so I can totally relate, but ‘yes’ I am settled in with ‘the him’, so I talk from experience 😉

    Like

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