Disclaimer: This is going to be one mother of a rant
I’ve been single for a while now, but I have noticed a new restlessness. I mean, I’ve been single. Now, I know this is not a good reason to not be single, but come on! How long does a girl need to wait? At some point, whether arranged marriage-route or otherwise, you start wondering if your person is ever going to show face. And I go through rollercoasters trying to figure out how much this actually bothers me – is it okay to remain single? Would it be the worst thing? No… But, Valentine’s Day is coming up fast.
Anyways, I recently wondered if I had been going about it all wrong – with the mediums I was using to find him, but also with Who I was expecting to find. I know I recently wrote about not lowering your expectations and what-what, and I agree with myself (lol) but can anyone tell me how far is actually reasonable to go in terms of mentally/emotionally moulding my ideal person? Do I stop at personality? Do I stop at no-go’s (things I am not willing to compromise on – what are these things that don’t budge with time – will they matter in twenty, thirty, forty years?)? Should I even venture into the Looks Department? (Should I stop doing those build-a-boyfriend-Buzzfeed-quizzes?) Is religion or him being a Malayalee or even Indian actually important? If they are Malayalee simply because they were born to Mallu parents and can’t speak a word of Malayalam or relate to the culture or Kerala, would that count against them (compared to, say, a non Mallu)? If you and your family aren’t particularly religious and neither is the bloke you are interested in, (why) does it still matter? What is true love, and does it exist… for everyone?
Sometimes, when I am swiping away on Tinder or Shaadi.com, or (mentally) in real life, I picture a mega virtual DJ Switchboard/mixer in front of me, where I’m balancing my criteria/expectations by pushing forward, for example, the height lever, while lowering the personality one. And I keep doing this until I am kind of okay with this person and they fit into my mould, albeit with a hypothetical jammed-in shoulder or foot, in order to fit. Yes, I know the equation: expectations minus reality equals happiness, but how practical is it in reality? Have you tried living without expectations? How bland. But, at the same time… all of this criteria? I’m going to take a wild guess here and say that half of it was not even created by you, even if you genuinely thought it was. Think about it. If you filter it honestly, how much really matters to you? For me, all that I expect of my partner is that which I expect of myself. Is that fair? I am literally expecting a response here, people.
Personally, I imagine that you know you are really in love when you realise that no one else matters – not your parents, your siblings, your family, your friends. And I don’t know how healthy that is, but I know that that is what I believe True Love to be. I am obviously not saying that I want to love someone who destroys my relationships with all the people I already love and adore. I guess the definition was a little dramatic. What I meant was that I want someone I am so sure about that no one else’s opinion will matter, not that I want to elope and/or be estranged from my current life.
So… that escalated very quickly. But weirdly/ironically/questionably(?), even though I have a mould for the guys I choose to date, I don’t actually have a mould for this person that will happen to me, and with whom I will fall hopelessly in love.
I’m waiting, yo. MMx